


70 Things Sherlock Holmes is no Longer Allowed to do around Scotland Yard

by LokiOfSassgaard



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-03
Updated: 2011-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-28 07:17:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6319810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiOfSassgaard/pseuds/LokiOfSassgaard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is list of things Sherlock is not allowed to do around Scotland Yard, or to anyone working at Scotland Yard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	70 Things Sherlock Holmes is no Longer Allowed to do around Scotland Yard

  

  1. I am not allowed to pick the lock to DI Lestrade’s front door. 
  

  2. I am not allowed to use a bump key to unlock Lestrade’s front door, as this still counts as picking the lock. 
  

  3. I am not allowed to enter Lestrade’s flat at all, unless escorted by him. 
  

  4. I am not allowed to enter Anderson’s flat at all. 
  

  5. Not even with an escort. 
  

  6. I am only allowed to enter Sgt Donovan’s flat if I want to be kicked in the testicles. 
  

  7. She wasn’t kidding. She will also not hesitate to do it again. 
  

  8. Sending someone else into a flat that I have cleverly managed to unlock is the same as if I’d entered the residence myself. 
  

  9. It is not cleverly unlocking. It is picking the locks and burglary. And I will be arrested for it the next time it happens. 
  

  10. Lestrade will not bail me out if I am arrested for burglary. 
  

  11. Especially if he was the arresting officer. 
  

  12. I am not allowed to convince any member of Scotland Yard to help me make fake Ids. 
  

  13. I am not allowed to allow any member of Scotland Yard to help me make fake Ids, no matter how much of a ‘stonking great time’ they had. 
  

  14. Planting fake evidence to annoy Anderson is illegal, and I will be arrested for doing so. 
  

  15. Lestrade will not bail me out for planting fake evidence, either. 
  

  16. No amount of bargaining will see me out of any arrests. 
  

  17. I should not attempt to make any deals that I do not intend to honour. 
  

  18. As I do not intend to honour any of the deals I make, I am not allowed to make any deals. 
  

  19. I am not allowed to use the hot plate in Lestrade’s office to test the boiling point of eyeballs. 
  

  20. Human or otherwise. 
  

  21. Or to get first-hand experience as to what burning flesh actually smells like. 
  

  22. Or to find the boiling point of semen. 
  

  23. I am not allowed to use the hot plate in Lestrade’s office. 
  

  24. Or the coffee maker. 
  

  25. Or the kettle. 
  

  26. I am not allowed to handle anything in Lestrade’s office. 
  

  27. I am not allowed to experiment on Lestrade’s cat. 
  

  28. It does not matter that no harm came to the animal. Experimenting is experimenting, and I am not allowed to do it. 
  

  29. Even if I found the cat outside, and didn’t in any way enter Lestrade’s flat. 
  

  30. Stealing the keys of any officer and using them to enter their flat counts as burglary. 
  

  31. Stating that Anderson does not remember giving me his keys when he did is a blatant lie and I know it. 
  

  32. I am not allowed to interrogate witnesses unless a police officer is present. 
  

  33. Technically, violin screeching counts as torture, and I am not allowed to use this method of interrogation ever. 
  

  34. I cannot threaten to ‘sic Anderson’ on a witness. For one, Anderson would never go along with it, and secondly, no one deserves that treatment. 
  

  35. I may not borrow Donovan’s clothes from her locker to go undercover. Besides, they didn’t even fit. 
  

  36. I may not borrow Donovan’s handbag, or anything therein for any purpose. 
  

  37. This includes her lipstick. 
  

  38. Taking anything from Donovan in the future will be met with a theft charge. 
  

  39. No, Lestrade will not bail me out for any theft charges, whether or not he was the arresting officer. 
  

  40. Especially not if the items I stole came from his desk. 
  

  41. I may not use Lestrade’s warrant card to gain access to a crime scene. 
  

  42. Nor will Lestrade bail me out after being arrested for impersonating an officer. 
  

  43. Lestrade will not bail me out for any charges against me, ever. 
  

  44. I am to stop asking. 
  

  45. Threatening him will not work either. 
  

  46. Getting Mycroft to threaten him will only annoy him further. 
  

  47. Bringing fire crackers into the station is never a good idea. 
  

  48. It is an even worse idea to put them in the microwave to see if they will actually go off. 
  

  49. Blaming Anderson does not work if he’s not even in the same building. 
  

  50. Lestrade’s office is not a substitute for a hotel room, which is where I should go the next time I am evicted from my flat. 
  

  51. Lestrade is none of these things: my father, my babysitter, my nanny, my psychiatrist, my mother, my bank, my chemist, my doctor, or my attack dog. He does not appreciate being treated like any of these things. 
  

  52. If I value my teeth, I will not tell Lestrade, ‘good boy’ and give him a biscuit after he answers one of my questions correctly. 
  

  53. Related to the above point, he will not hesitate to punch me again if such behaviour continues. 
  

  54. Unless it was purchased from Tesco or Sainsbury’s, nothing that was at one point alive is allowed in any of the microwaves at the station. 
  

  55. This includes pieces of things that were at one point alive. 
  

  56. It does not matter if that brain came from a stillborn sheep, it still counts and is not allowed in the microwave. 
  

  57. Nothing that was at one point alive is allowed in any of the station microwaves, even if it was purchased at Tesco or Sainsbury’s. 
  

  58. I am not allowed to touch any of the station microwaves. 
  

  59. Or the coffee makers. 
  

  60. Or the kettles. 
  

  61. I am to keep my hands to myself and in my pockets at all times when in the station. 
  

  62. Other people’s pockets do not count as my own, and my hands should not be in them. 
  

  63. This extends to any and all crime scenes. 
  

  64. My hands are not allowed in anyone else’s pockets, regardless of where I am. 
  

  65. I may not steal Anderson’s lunch for an experiment. 
  

  66. Using Anderson’s lunch to condition the police dogs to behave in a friendly matter toward me is not an experiment. It is tampering with police property and is illegal. 
  

  67. No, I may not have one of the tampered police dogs to take home with me. 
  

  68. Even if I purchased the dog from a neighbour, I may not train it to urinate on Anderson whenever he is in sight. 
  

  69. No one wants my dog now that I am bored with it, because no one wants a dog trained to urinate on people. I am to stop putting ‘dog for sale’ posters up around the station. 
  

  70. I am never again allowed to step foot in the building in full drag, for any reason. 
  



  



End file.
